Was It?
by Resacon1990
Summary: He gets about half way through the war before Tony begins to give up.


**_"Was it worth it?"_**

He gets about half way through the war before Tony begins to give up.

It's the death, he thinks as he watches the battles surrounding him day after day. The deaths that follow each battle and the wounds that come second. Maybe it's even the torn relationships of friends and lovers throughout their superhero community that he witnesses each day as he sees people like Reed Richards and Sue Storm fighting bitterly against one another that makes him lose faith.

Or maybe it's the slumped shoulders and lifeless looks that Steve gives him every time they meet. Maybe seeing Steve softly beg Sam Wilson, his _best friend_, to just walk away instead of fighting him, seeing him try to save everyone but being unable to save his enemy despite old friendships. Maybe it's seeing Steve, his Steve, looking so lost and afraid that kills Tony.

If there was anything he wanted, it was to go back. Go back and change it all. Because Tony doesn't want this anymore, he doesn't want the fighting or the death or the anguish that rocks the nation every time another battle happens. He doesn't what to watch Steve fall apart every time he sees him.

He wants to go back. To the times when the Avengers were all together, where they would sit around and watch movies and laugh and cry together. He wants to go back to easy bickering with the Hank's and Bruce, the rivalry with Richards, wants to hit on all the skirts of the community despite the threat of claws, thunderbolts and whatever else the women can come up with being impaled in him. He wants to go back to the awkwardness around Steve, where they both had feelings they were afraid weren't returned.

He wants to be able to confess them to Steve. To step into his arms and never let go as he chants those three letters over and over again into Steve's flesh.

But Tony will never get that. Instead he'll get fire and brimstone.

…

It's Wolverine he calls.

He knows he's lucky he's not hung up on straight away, that Logan just breathes heavily and waits for him to speak. So Tony does, he speaks quickly and briefly, spluttering out his idea and referring back to Christmas in World War One and how that seemed so fine and maybe they could do something like that _except _it could be more like Steve's era but then again _Steve_-

And he doesn't flinch when Logan cuts him off with a sharp "_Bub_" and he goes quiet. There's silence on the line for a long moment before he breathes a quite "_please_" in a desperate plea.

Logan is quiet before he simply says he'll see, and Tony barely has time to ask him not to tell Steve, don't mention it, and Logan barely gives an affirmative before he hangs up and is gone.

Tony stares at the phone for a long time, contemplating how much trouble he'd be in if he smashed it before shrugging and destroying it anyway.

It'd funny, he thinks as he stares at the ruins, that Storm still play tricks on him during the war. Making it rain inside.

It only hits his cheeks though, and it burns his eyes, and Storm is all the way in the Anti's base somewhere across the city.

…

He's glad that Logan accepted the offer of a temporary truce, and Tony can't help but smile as he watches the hall filled with superheros swaying to the beat of old 1940s swing music.

There are the obvious vacancies of those believing this was a trap, and Tony can see those that are all on edge and clearly there in case there is a fight. But as he watches Bucky sweep Natasha into a dance, and Sue and Reed slowly edge closer he doesn't mind about the others. It's a truce, a moment for the others to see each other again in a place not filled with the stench of death and blood.

Logan raises a bottle in salute to him when his gaze travels in his direction, and he gives a stiff nod back. He sees Peter glance in his direction and offer the smallest of smiles before Carol is pulling him into a dance. But he can't keep track as face after face flicks by and the sound of music makes him sway softly by himself alone in the back _but _he's fine. He's happy as he can be considering the circumstances.

Then Steve appears and quietly thanks him.

Tony wants to throw himself at the man, wants to never let go as he sees the smile that no longer is _his _Steve's but instead is a harsh cover of what who he once was and the urge to change him back is so great. But he just gives his own ruined smile back before turning to the crowd.

It's a chance, he thinks, a chance for those in the war to find each other again. To leave with each other before everything spirals so far out of control that there is no recovery. Before a side actually wins, and he knows that will only happen with and in blood.

Maybe his. Maybe Steve's.

He doesn't know who starts it, but one moment he's watching as everyone slowly melts together, and he _knows _that Sue and Reed look on the brink of slipping out, and the next he's in Steve's arms. They're swaying softly to the slow beat flowing in the room, his head tucked under Steve's chin and their arms wrapped around each other.

They slip out, those three words he'd been wanting to say for so long.

And Steve's laugh is so hollow, so empty, as he kisses Tony and whispers them back.

"Dammit, Storm," he chokes out weakly later and Steve agrees, but Tony can't help but think that Steve is still just as beautiful with his eyes glistening and tears dripping down his cheeks.

…

Reed and Sue didn't leave, and Tony wishes that they had.

The last fight is bloody, cruel and horrible and all Tony can hear is loud screams of the damned. Because that's what they all are. Damned to hell for their stupidity.

He wonders what about him then? He was more stupid then everyone combined for creating this mess.

It ends suddenly. It ends quickly. Everything turns to a blur as Tony watches Steve drop everything and turn in. He barely hears Peter screaming as Steve's lead away and he feels himself wanting to chase after the authorities, tell them to let Steve go before taking his hand and pulling him away, never letting go as they run and run and _never come back_.

But he doesn't. He watches speechless. And then Sharon appears on the steps and the gunshots are echoing in the air and Tony is not even trying to blame the tears on Storm as every part of him that was still strung together by the thinest cords are snapped and he crumbles to nothing.

**_"It wasn't worth it."_**


End file.
